Battle Zone!!!

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Humphrey's fall from grace.

Humphrey's fall from grace.

 

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An announcement from Psychotic Productions

I'm going to post that Resident Evil 5 review I wrote ages ago. How very exciting. Oops, you can view alt text?! How very stupid of me!

 What could this puzzling announcement possibly mean?! Have I found a way to mass-produce unicorns? Maybe I'm going to reveal that my fiancee is, in fact, Tom Cruise? The clues are all there, people. Post your speculation and theories, and see if you can crack the code?!

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The Forgotten Platform: Daily Timewastin'

Bored at work or school? Need something to do for just a few minutes, and tired of refreshing the same old forums? Well, I think I can help you. This blog entry isn't about hi-tech console games with mind-blowing graphics and orchestral scores. It's not even about PC games with their excellent modding community. It's about - wait for it - browser games! Here are three of my favourites, and I hope they'll help waste your time as they do mine.

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There are no refunds for this item - DLC of the Past

Aint nothin' but a g-thang baby, two loced out dragons goin' crayzay.

In this wonderful bleak and dystopian future that we live in, updates and add-ons for our games are readily availiable thanks to the likes of Xbox Live Marketplace and PSN. But nostalgia is a powerful force in gaming, and I can't help but wondering what the games of my younger years would've been like if DLC existed back then.

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Quit yo' jibba-jabba, foo'.

It's very real

The best thing to come out of Slovenia since, well, uh, olms, I guess, are developer Zootfly. Recently they announced a game based on everyone's favourite cuddly mountain of kittens and love, Mr. T. Ticking all the boxes, it's being developed for the major three consoles, and the PC to boot.

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I wanna get Mythical! Mythical!

Why Halo 3 is truly next-gen, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the Mythic Map Pack.

Giant golf balls? Whatever next!

This blog entry is about Halo 3. Stop. Hold it right there. Yes, you. You're the kind of person who goes "Halo? Snork snork. 'tis a game for ADD kids and crazy racists and naught more!" I'm going to point you in the direction of this link right here. The question is, if this is a game for people with ADD, how come they're still playing it in droves 18 months after its release? The answer is because it is truly a next-gen title, and I will explain how. But for all y'all Halo players out there, and according to those stats there are a lot of you, I will review the newly released Mythic Map pack in the process!

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Top 5 English Games

That's right, folks! Today is St. George's Day! For those of you who don't know it, and I assume I am speaking to my hot dog-eating American readers, allow me to tell you a heroic tale. St. George is on his travels, doing your typical adventure-type things, when he stumbles across a town which is plagued by a dragon which loves nothing more than childburgers. So what does any budding hero do? He gives it a bloody good hiding with his lance, but George isn't done there. He tames the wounded beast, leads it back into town and, to their horror slays it in front of the townsfolk. Sadly, like all heroes, he then decided he should probably get into this magic lark he's heard so much about, spends all of the experience points he just earned for killing the dragon on a few weak elemental spells which he uses approximately twice each, before he realises his lance does more damage and doesn't need mana points to use anyway.

St. George is also the patron saint of England, so think of today as a sort of St. Patrick's Day for the English. England isn't really known for its video games, so perhaps today is as good a time as any to look at some of the finest gems this rainy island has produced. Here's my top 5 English-developed games in no particular order!

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Snakes: Not just for breakfast.

I'm going to begin my blog with a classic game, even if it's not old enough to be considered "retro". I've been replaying Metal Gear Solid 3 over the past couple of days, and I kind of realised I don't play MGS as "tactical espionage action" or whatever Kojima wants to call it, I use it as a glorified murder and torture simulator.

I pelt guards with poisonous snakes, spiders and scorpions until they are stung, and the deadly venom brings about their untimely end. I force them to lie prone on the ground, then stab them repeatedly in the buttocks with a fork. I shoot their arms, followed by their legs and cackle with glee as I watch them hobble about looking for help like terrified hunchbacks, their arms spasming violently.

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